How It Feels To Sell Instagram For A Billion Dollars - http://mag.ma/andrew/3889731
"I hate clean, orderly countries where everything works. I like hot, messy, passionate countries that are barely keeping their shit together."
— Anthony Bourdain (via soupsoup)
I love this man infinite amounts.
(via librarysciences)
So nerdy but so interesting.
(via npr)
Now That What’s I Call JewSqueeze Baby Makin’ Music - Vol. 1 **CLICK TO ENLARGE**
Dear Readers,
I was making out with my girlfriend to some Bruce Springsteen this weekend when it suddenly dawned on me: we should be sharing our sex mixtapes with one another. Think of it like G-SPOTify. Allow me to be your DJ for just a few afternoon hours.
Sara totally laughed when “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out” came on. So I figured I’d make a new mix to get down to.
Below you will find a reason why I went with each track.
Use at your own risk!
Track 1: “Make It Wit Chu”/Queens of the Stonage: Rockin’, sexy, and smooth like some Bruce Hornsby all at once. This is the track that I want to unzip your pants to.
Track 2: “House of Cards”/Radiohead: Let’s move to the bed, shall we? Get nude. Slide into the my cool comforter. Show me what you’re workin’ with.
Track 3: “Six Underground”/Sneaker Pimps: Classic. Eery. Sexy. Cool. (I think that may also be the name of a TLC album)
Track 4: “Bambi”/Prince: Those crunchy tones on Prince’s guitar, the gyrating, pulsating moves you’ll do to your lover to this song….oooompf.
Track 5: “Well, Well, Well”/John Lennon: A pre-cursor to the fuckmusic of the White Stripes. Guitars. Guitars. Guitars.
Track 6: “Only Happy When It Rains”/Garbage: The 90’s were hot, weren’t they? Flannel was in and there was a gay with AIDS on MTV’s The Real World. Let’s get real and start grinding. It’s at this point in the album that I hope you are boning, or starting to.
Track 7: “Oh! You Pretty Things”/David Bowie: Get kinky! Slide a finger in that butthole! Suck on my toes! Do you, girrrrl!
Track 8: “Ludlow St.”/Julian Casablancas: Threw in a curve ball. Lookout! New, but good new.
Track 9: “Shake Your Hips”/The Rolling Stones: Exile on this wang, boo!
Track 10: “Summer Song”/Roy Orbison: For when you want to class up the sex a bit. This is really the babymaker on the album.
Track 11: “The Proxy”/RJD2: Listen, if you’re still fucking at this point on the sex mix, take a bow. Give yourself a hand, or a pat on the back. I’m impressed. She’s impressed. They’ll be back for seconds.
Track 12: “Intriguing Possibilities”/Trent Renor & Atticus Ross: If you ARE still fucking, this is when you climax.
Track 13: “In Space”/Royksopp: Roll over and light me a cigarette, wouldja?
Track 14: “Ladies and Gentleman We’re Floating In Space”/Spiritualized: Time for bed. ZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzz
This is the worst sex playlist I’ve ever seen. It reads like a freshman year entry-level awkward sex playbook. Just elbows and apologies all over the place.
The key to quality boner jams lies in two factors:
- Your partner. If you’re having sex with someone who’s idea of a quality romp includes anal, Mandelay, and some choking, then you can’t put on the same playlist as you would for that one hookup that just kinda lays there passively. (NOTE: It’s 2011. You better put in some effort, IDGAF how hot you are.)
- The actual rhythm of the song. I don’t care how “sexy” it sounds, if you can’t set up a good see-saw to it, you’re wasting your time.
So I did you one better, mi hermano. Here’s not one, but TWO Spotify playlists.
Nice ‘n Easy is for people making that Republican love. All up underneath the covers with eye contact and juuuuust a tinge of embarrassment. Whole lotta makeout songs and the whole thing tops out in under an hour, just like you two will.
The Gonzo Marathon should not be attempted without consulting a physician first. This starts off slow but by the end of it, you should be bending or getting bent in some sort of Texas Cloverleaf maneuver. I want INNER THIGH BRUISES after this one, people.
Give them a try and let me know how they worked out. Or keep hooking up to GARBAGE, for chrissakes.
Well said. Queue the downloads……now.
(via aldoushuxtable)
